The Many Uses For Ash Ketchum
by DarthCraftus
Summary: Red demonstrates how Ash can be used for a variety of things. Crack fic. Not meant to be profound and/or moving. Warning:contains Ash bashing.


Two similar looking boys of about ten stood in the middle of an empty white room.

"Greetings! My name is Red"

The other boy then cut in front of him.

"And I'm Ash Ketchum, greatest Pokemon master of all time!"

Red walked around Ash and stood beside him, more than a little irritated at the other boy.

"Yes... this actually brings me as to what this is all about. And this is all about you, Ash."

Ash was of course thrilled about this, but tried to act humble. He failed.

"Well, of course it is. I am the greatest Pokemon master of all time."

_Where does he keep that huge ego?_ Red thought. He then nodded and pretended to agree.

"However, today we'll be talking and demonstrating everything you can do outside of your Pokemon related skills."

Ash shrugged. "Your loss. Though I am incredibly talented in everything I do."

"No you're not. I meant I'll be showing how you can actually be useful."

Ash looked shocked and confused. Mostly confused. Red gestured overhead where the words 'The Many Uses For Ash Ketchum' appeared in bold flashing lights before disappearing.

"What's going on here? Is this some kind of joke? The only jokes I think are funny are knock knock jokes. So unless you can find some way of starting this with 'knock knock' then-"

Red then bopped Ash on the top of the head, resulting in a hollow bonk that sounded more like 'baka'. In the blink of an eye Ash closed his mouth, jumped a few inches off the ground, and landed standing ramrod straight, arms at his sides and legs together

"And that is how you get Ash to quiet down and keep still. Though he might manage to get his voice back from time to time, in which case simply bop his head again."

Red then pulled out Ash's arms so that he made a 't' figure.

"The first use for Ash is quite simple: a rack. For hats-" he placed his hat on Ash's right hand "and for coats." then took of his jacket and placed it on Ash's left hand.

Red then took the items back, put them back on, and then put Ash's arms back down.

"Let's see what else Ash can be used for."

He knelt down, grabbed Ash around the ankles, stood up and held him aloft.

"A baseball bat."

A baseball came flying from out of nowhere. Red swung Ash and sent the ball flying back to nowhere.

"To clean chimneys."

A fireplace materialized. Red knelt down at the entrance and shoved Ash up and down the flue. Soon the chimney was clean and the fireplace disappeared. Red managed to stay clean, and shook Ash until he was too.

"As a battering ram."

He turned Ash face-down and rammed him headfirst into a wooden door. Ash's head broke through. Red set him back on his feet.

At that moment Ash managed to regain the ability to talk.

"This is no way to treat a guy who made to the top sixteen in the Indigo League, won the Orange League, made it to the semifinals in the Joht-"

Bonk!

Red bopped Ash on the head and he once again went quiet.

"Now where was I? Oh yes."

He began folding Ash into a fetal position. When he was done he held him up.

"Ash can also be used for almost any kind of ball."

A basketball goal appeared. Red dribbled Ash, did several shots, spun him on his finger, than did a slam dunk. The basketball goal was then replaced by a soccer one. Red did several trick kicks and scored a few goals.

This was then followed by tether ball, football, volleyball, and capped off with being blasted out of a cannon as an actual cannonball.

Red unfolded Ash back into his previous position.

"And now for our final use for today." Red said as he took out a kite spool. "A kite. It's quite simple. Since Ash is already full of hot air, all you need to do is attach the string," he demonstrated by phasing the end of the string through Ash's shirt and into his chest "lift him a little," Red grabbed Ash by the shoulders and lifted him an inch or two "and up he goes!" He released his grip on Ash who began to slowly float upward.

"Well, that's all for now." Red said as he flew Ash. "Feel free to try these out. You may even come up with something new."

Ash then began to shout down to him.

"But I'm the greatest Pokemon Master of all time! Everyone loves me! No way they would try this!"

Red pulled on the string to bring Ash back down.

"They admire me too much!" Ash was soon face to face with Red. "I'm an icon! I'm an idol! I'm-"

Bonk!

Red happily went back to Ash-flying

**The End.**


End file.
